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I nodded, though he couldn’t see, and tip-toed out his door.Verbal Straight Brother Beats His Fat Stick “Call me about that article.” He meant this one, the one about us. As I stood and walked to the door, I heard him stir. He groaned and pushed me off him, mumbling a goodbye, and turned over.
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But then I saw him, starfished out, cheek smushed against the pillow, face free of the stress or sadness he’d been carrying recently, and before I knew it I was bending over him, giving him a hug. I was in a rush and, knowing Hayden to be the absolute worst morning person in the history of the universe, I wasn’t going to wake him up. The morning of my flight back to New York after Thanksgiving weekend, I poked my head into his room. I felt stupid for thinking that I was the only one suffering. “Imagine being asked about your sexuality by everyone around you since you were 14,” she said, “and having people stare at you on the street for how you look.” For all the years I felt intimidated by my brother’s identity, I never stopped to think how much he struggled after coming out, and how his confidence and aggression masked that insecurity. Sitting at the kitchen table with my mom after Thanksgiving this past November, munching on leftovers, she reminded me of how hard it was for Hayden to come out, and how hard things still are for him. Maybe it’s because he’s my brother, but I hold him to an impossibly high standard, and he likes to bite back. We’ll end up fighting viciously, exchanging personal insults all because of an unnecessary judgment, or a perceived personal attack. I have a lot of trouble keeping my mouth shut when I disagree with his behavior or lifestyle, even though it’s really none of my business. Still, Hayden can be prickly, and we tend to fight a lot. We started watching Sex and the City together and calling each other “girl.” Looking back, I can’t imagine our relationship any other way. He gifted me a DVD of Cher’s horrible film adaptation of Burlesque, which we both found hysterical, and I told him about my breakup. Soon, I hung in his room with him while he did his makeup, listening to Rihanna, talking about guys. Pretending not to care, I glanced over, and mumbled something like, “he looks hot.”
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While watching TV together on a break from school, he casually showed me a picture of a guy he’d hooked up with. As two people uncomfortable with each other are prone to do, we didn’t address anything outright. In a sense, we were getting to know each other for the first time. Before the conversation with my mom, I had already started to find the courage to talk to Hayden about being queer.